It’s that time again! The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest! Named after the British author who penned the infamous opening sentence, “It was a dark and stormy night,” the annual contest asks writers to send in the worst lines imaginable. There are many different categories, but the grand prize winner was Sue Fondrie, a professor at the University of Wisconsin.
Here’s her 26 word fiasco:
Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.
Ugh! Nothing says gross like chopped-up metaphorical sparrows!
I also got a kick out of these entries in the fantasy and romance categories:
Within the smoking ruins of Keister Castle, Princess Gwendolyn stared in horror at the limp form of the loyal Centaur who died defending her very honor; “You may force me to wed,” she cried at the leering and victorious Goblin King, “but you’ll never be half the man he was,” Terri Daniel from Seattle, WA
As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand—who would take her away from all this—and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had, Ali Kawashima from Greensboro, NC
Now you won’t find these sentences in any books at your local bookstore, but that doesn’t mean what gets published is any better. What’s my pick for worst writing of 2011? A Shore Thing, “written” by Jersey Shore reality show “star” Snooki.
Just check out this tidbit of literary genius:
Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.
Wow, move aside To Kill a Mockingbird, I think I just found The Great American Novel.
So who else deserves to win the Bulwer-Lytton award? Send me the best of the worst!